I have a feeling of, what is happening right now and questioning life choices. What does this mean for me? I have no idea. There is a sensation of everything that I have been doing in life was for everyone else, what was expected of me, what did everyone need from me. I know that I have done small things that made me happy and than felt guilty or was scolded because it didn’t fit within what was the standard or the norm.
Why is the norm good? If everyone is in the norm, that makes us all the same, and we aren’t, we have different thoughts, emotional reactions, wants and needs. What I need to make me happy and whole in life might not interest someone, and that is ok, it doesn’t need to.
This realization was prompted by the conversation of why I was not excited or have a complete lack of emotions towards the holidays this year. I have no ill feelings, just a pure lack of emotions. This is a very odd sensation for me as I seem to have an abundance of emotions for most things in life.
For once I don’t want to force or fake the feelings, if I don’t want it, than I just don’t want it, why fake it? What does that do for anyone? Give them a false since of my emotions or feelings, again who does that benefit, them (whoever the them is that I am attempting to placate).
This past year has been a roller coaster of emotions and realizations and I don’t see it ending any time soon, which is ok. Here are some realizations…
- I am absolutely poly, I knew I was bi, but I now know that I have the capacity and need to love many and form the amazingly beautiful bonds with them and make them a permanent part of my life. This is was talk I had to have with my husband because this meant that it wouldn’t just be woman that I dated or flirted with. I wanted full bonds with who ever I felt that eminence connection with. Talk about a hard conversation, whew…lol. But in the end was good and we both felt closer for talking it out.
- I don’t just want friends, I want people in my life that bring change and awakening, even if some days I don’t know what to do with all of the emotions that seem to be coursing through me at times.
- I spent so much of my life being called “too sensitive”, “a baby”, “over reacting”, “needy”, “overthinking things”, and “emotional”, all of these carried a very negative meaning for me. So I pretended things didn’t bother me or held no meaning, and I basically let those emotions go and pretended they didn’t exist. Now I am opening up again, the emotions flood in at times and I cry a lot at the sheer pressure of what I am feeling. But I let it in, work through it and talk it out with my husband or sunshine (names redacted).
- I have found a bond with Buddhism and the ideals that it carries, it isn’t a religion to me but a mindset. Do I follow all the “rules”, no, but I take from it what I need and what pertains to my life and mental state.
- I find myself looking back on my life and wondering why I put up with things, why did I allow myself to let others rule what my choices were. Why did I think it was ok to feel belittled and that my thoughts and opinions didn’t matter? Whether it was what my parents thought I should be doing or acting a certain way? Or friends that I tried to be something I wasn’t for? This leaves me with big why’s.
- Obviously I can’t go back in time and make different choices, but what I can do is handle myself and my life differently. While having a husband, life partners, and children (all of them ) does mean that I take into consideration their needs, that does not mean that I need to compromise things that I find life changing or extremely important to me. I want us all to be happy, healthy, and feel loved for who we are, this includes me finally.
- I don’t want anyone to pretend anymore, least of all me. If I am not excited about something, I don’t want to fake it, but I don’t want to ruin it for others. I just don’t want to pretend I am something or feel something I don’t.
- If myself or someone I love wants to do something or has a passion for something, I want myself and them to feel confident that their needs/wants are important and are supported. My husband wants to go hiking on a wondrous trail for a month, than he should and know that I will support him in this. I want to go to India and travel and experience things for myself, than I should be able to do this. Oldest wants to be with girls or whatever, I hope she feels empowered to be herself and fulfill her desires/needs. Sunshine wants to feel like a free spirit in life and loved for that, than he shall have that.
- Quad are also very important to me on this life journey that I am on, I call it a life journey because it is ever changing like a journey and full of adventure. Whether or not we move forwards as true quad, they are a big part of my life now and I will not be giving that friendship up.
- I came out to my Mom after 35 years, and her pure lack of emotion or caring hurt, but I needed to say it. I don’t want to hide, that is like denying a part of me that is huge, even if she doesn’t think this is significant at all.
- Music has become very emotional again for me, this went away when I tried to bottle things up. Again now when I hear music of almost any kind, I can feel it, it is an emotional link for me. Depending on my emotions depends on how I am effected by this.
- My thoughts are consumed with how does this make me feel, is this really something I want or am I doing this purely for someone else. Which is fine as long as it isn’t something that compromises who I am at my core. An example is: an ex-boyfriend started to flirt and wanted to sext. This is something I would have partaken in no matter how I felt deep down because someone was giving me attention and I didn’t want them to think I didn’t want it. So I allowed this sexting to happen once, than instantly felt wrong, because I knew that his wife didn’t know. While I am in a very open relationship, he isn’t. So after this one time, I kept thinking how wrong that was of me and felt dirty. He kept messaging after this trying again to play, at first I ignored, than I thought to myself “Why don’t I just tell him how I feel about this? Why do I fear his reaction? Do I fear him thinking negative of me if I don’t want to sext?” The answer was yes, I didn’t want him to think I was lame or no fun. That thought bothered me, that thought was not ok, if he reacted that way than he was not good for me and has absolutely no respect for me as a person. So I finally sent a message and said I didn’t want to play because while I was in an open relationship he wasn’t and that wasn’t fair to his wife or me, since I have no need or desire to hide. This is huge for me, because I still had that feeling of “what will he think of me”, but I wanted to break that cycle. His response was good and shocking, he just said “ok cool”, and I was not expecting that but appreciated it.
- I have determined that I do not want to be just an employee, I want to be a people manager. I want to help them grow their careers and make sure they are happy. I want to support a team and group and help them better themselves and the company. I am making strides towards this and it feels good to have a direction.
I see my life as an ongoing adventure that is going to have many ups and downs, and I am excited to see what is to come.