So lets back it up and give you some background on me….. (disclaimer: this may be a long one!)
Long long ago this girl was born into a very Yankee family…bahahahaa!! That is not how this is going to go, where I sound like I am telling you this pretty fairy tail of my life because lets be real for a minute it was NOT a fairy tale, as most peoples lives aren’t. I come from a divorced family, while both parents were very loving and I love them in their own ways, there was some shit that went down that no one should have to deal with as a small child or even as an adult.
I want to talk about things that happened in my childhood until now, and today’s post is going to be like a high level view of this. Then I want to get down and dirty with some of these events because: one I think it should be said and two I am very sure that there are others out there that have gone through these tough times. If I can empower just one person with my posts, then my reason for doing this is complete.
I do want to warn everyone that there are going to be some posts that are going to be hard for you to read and even harder for me to put into words, but alas I am determined to get it out there.
So where to start…childhood/family dynamic…
I have several siblings, some step, some half and some whole. But in my mind, blood or not, we are all one big messy and crazy family. So my Mom is my Dad’s second wife, and my Dad had two daughters before my Brother and I. (yup… absorb that for a second, sounds like some sister brother uncle kinda shit but no she was just his second wife)
Then you have my Mom who married my Step-Dad, this brought in two Sisters. We are a wily bunch of craziness, which makes holidays lots of fun. My parents divorce was messy and there was lots of fighting and things being thrown at times. This is the mundane boring stuff which I am not positive is normal, but I digress….
This is where I am going to get a little dark but to understand me I feel you need to understand some things that happened when I was younger….
So at a very young age, I believe maybe 5 or 6, I was sexually molested by my older sister. Now before you get all crazy, I absolutely understand this is a horrible topic but I feel this may have set the standard for part of my demeanor, for the rest of my life. This is not something that anyone in my family talks about, and we didn’t really talk about it when it happened. I can remember the day my sister told my parents what had been happening…..
I was sitting on the stairs, just low enough down the stairs that I could see around the wall and peak between the railings to see the scene of my sister (maybe 8 or 9) talking to my parents. I can remember the dark decor that looked like it was from the 70’s and seeing my sister sit between my parents and crying. While I couldn’t hear everything that was said, I knew what she was doing. She had finally come to the realization that what she had been doing was wrong, and that her babysitter had doing the same to her. I remember my parents look of shock, shame, and then sadness. They were sad for us both, that we had been through this. Sad that neither of us said anything but in our defense we didn’t really know that it was wrong. Now looking back I can see how it was wrong, but unless someone tells you “Hey, if this happens tell me because it is wrong”. Well…. unless that is said you just don’t know at those ages.
Now my sister (from the above situation) and I are pretty close now. We didn’t live together because she lived with her Mom in another state but we have moved past this as we know we were too young to know better. But my reasoning for telling this is that I am a VERY sexual person, almost like my life revolves around my sexual (or what I may view as sexual) encounters. I can turn anything into something kinky and perverted, and honestly I have absolutely no qualms with this. I am indeed very flirtatious because I love the attention and the thrill. Does that mean it’s healthy? I don’t know I’m not a doctor…lol
Let’s now jump forward in time….
I knew from a very young age that I am VERY attracted to women but also love men. I have different things that I like about each, so that is why I guess you would classify me as Bi-Sexual (because we seem to have a label for everything now days). Do I think that what happened when I was younger caused me to like girls? Honestly that would just be speculation and I don’t really care either way. It doesn’t change anything to try to dissect that monster of a mental mess. But I love women and my husband is fully aware and accepts all of me. So for me this means I can date women, and bring her into our relationship if WE choose to do so. (For those that don’t know, this is called a Polyamorous relationship). We will get more into that later as well, I promise!
But before you can get into my current marriage, first you must hear a little about my first one…
So it started in High School, 11th grade to be exact, and ended 15 years later. I thought that we were High School sweethearts but when I look back we were just toxic for each other. Mostly he was toxic for me, and I was unable to truly be me. It was a very long relationship with a few ups, like my older child, and many many topsy-turvy downs….way way downs. This probably needs to be broken into many many posts unless I find a way to sum it up.
In these years there was a marriage, many jobs, a child, and a college degree in Art.
Then you get to my eminent divorce…than to my now husband/marriage…
We have only been married a short 4 years but he is my other half, and yes I will probably get sappy when I really get into this story. The story is sweet, spicy, and everything it should be. We have a child together now, and so that makes us a family of four. I want to make a post just about us, because we have a very different kind of relationship, that is very special (at least I think so!)
I hope this gives you a little background on me, and I promise to get to the wanderlust. Please comment below if you can relate or just like what you are reading. Or if I said something you want more details about…could be my next post maybe…